i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
