i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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