You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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