i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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