Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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