drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
