Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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