If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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