Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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