The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
