evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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