he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
