No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
