please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
