I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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