my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
