i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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