So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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