we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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