She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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