This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
