I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
