dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
