I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
