So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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