some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
