when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
