I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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