so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
