he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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