just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
