Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
