You're my little dorito
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
