I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
