I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
