And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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