you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
