Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
