I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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