I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
