i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
