i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
