A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
