i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
