Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
