I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
