Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
