Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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