Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
