I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
